Gluten Fights Back

Gluten has independently altered its own molecular structure in what appears to be a natural response to its shrinking habitat. It has made itself more attractive to the humans who turned against it by making those humans more attractive to each other. Now, through a chemical reaction biologists at St. Copius Northern-Southern University have called a "reopening of pubescent hormone receptors", gluten in the human body increases the size of the male penis and female breast.^[1] The effect basically guarantees a return to prominence for the substance, but constitutes some drastically different ground rules regarding its consumption. If consumers embrace it, they are prone to abuse it, and if they ignore it, they risk their lives. Gluten's unexpected, radical comeback strategy proves all parties involved in the senseless turning of the tides against it, from marketing executives and politicians to supermarket chains and fitness centers, severely underestimated what could be the most complex of protein complexes.

Marketers changed consumer attitudes toward gluten working from the ludicrous, but successful, premise that if some people exhibit an intolerance for a food, that food is a threat to the food chain. Some people are allergic to nuts, but that does not mean cashews are the Antichrist. A gluten-free diet should only apply to celaneracs, persons with a scientifically proven intolerance of the substance. The contempt for gluten in anyone else is just another successful crop from the same psycho-seed marketing champions continue to sow which dictates that when manufacturers remove an ingredient from a food, it is somehow better for you. Gluten-free products stand among their fat and sugar-free ancestors, lactose-free contemporaries and forthcoming hop-free descendants, all targeting brain-free consumers. A theoretical next step could be smart gluten, a synthetic gluten for everybody made from gluten-free gluten, together with gluten detector apps for mobile devices.

A gluten-free fitness workout for non-cellophacs is ridiculous, but it is the one trainers recommend while they point people toward the shelves at the gym reception full of zero-gluten muscle builders, energy bars, gloves, and socks. Grocery stores feature brightly-colored aisle themes not unlike those for organic products with smiling babies and track runners in order to showcase the diet free of gluten that makes everybody feel better. The only thing missing from wheat product labels is a grotesque tobacco-style warning message telling everybody gluten is radioactive. Gluten-free is guilt-free, and nobody even knows why. Most primates should easily see through media-hyped nonsense of this sort, especially the meaningless "gluten-free" labels on products which could never contain gluten in the first place, including ones not even destined for the food chain like floor lamps and cement mix.

Gluten's idea of making humans more sexually desirable is certainly a way to get them to buy wheat products. The problem is, there seems to be no limit to the effect. While the exact size increase of both the penis and breast varies within a set range, gluten's effect stacks each time people apply it and has no observable diminishing returns. Predictably, this fact has led to its abuse.

In a grievance he filed with the dean, a university biochemistry major who studies gluten said he woke up with a penis the size of a submarine sandwich during final exam week after his fraternity brothers fed him fried whole grain bagels coated in a batter they made from high-concentrate gluten flour. The student wore an apron to class but professors refused him entry fearing the obvious potential disturbance.^[2] Several doughnut-loving female professors from the same university have also filed lawsuits for wrongful dismissal after administrators decided their gigantic, irresistible cleavage had too many male students playing with themselves.^[3]

A former bread baker in Brisbane, Australia said he never expected his penis to grow so large, but made the most of it when he realized he could no longer perform his duties. The man now gives unique walking tours of local parks and says his penis seats twelve as long as tourists "move side to side once and a while."^[4] Scout troops and Catholic priests make up most of the tour groups, as well as many young couples after that special wedding venue.

Gluten's enlargement of both the penis and breast is significant, but not permanent. To sustain the increase a person must consume a minimum of forty grams of gluten daily, which constitutes, more or less, the average gluten intake of persons without cifalasis disease. If a person fails to consume this amount, gluten temporarily changes the appearance of the affected body part until the level returns to normal. The transformations are purely cosmetic and do not interfere with the body part's function, but most of them are either embarrassing or horrifying. Gluten can turn a penis into a piece of fruit, like a pineapple or kiwi, but it also can make it an anus or a bonsai tree. It can add powerful electromagnets to a woman's breast and manipulate the magnetic field in order to smash her repeatedly in the face with her own bosom or bind her to poles, train cars, and other metal surfaces.

Gluten detects when people waver in their support for it. As soon as it finds that its popularity is diminishing with someone, it places banded stacks of unmarked banknotes in their mailbox together with generous amounts of high-quality cannabis. Some people have even reported finding front row seats to major sports events.^[5] Nobody has ever doubted the source of the items because they are always accompanied by a small card on a string that reads, "Have fun! Love, Gluten".

If gluten determines it is unable to convince a person of its worth, it uses an assortment of tactics to eliminate the subject. Angry gluten is very dangerous if inside the human body and it has countless ways of getting there. It can attach itself to the genitals prior to oral sexual encounters, mix with coffee grounds and toothpaste, and replace suppositories at the drug store. Once in the body, gluten manipulates the internal organs and central nervous system, often very painfully, causing death through what appear to doctors as medical anomalies. For whatever reason, gluten also carries out elaborate schemes which can take months or even years to complete before killing its victim. In females, gluten can halt the menstrual cycle and bloat the woman posing as a fetus realistic enough to fool gynecologists who give the victim the green light to carry the baby gluten to term. After nine months it exacts its revenge in the delivery room where it causes the woman to launch éclairs, lasagna, or other wheat-based foods––all already cooked––from the vagina, frequently in front of a husband or companion who is streaming the event live. Incomprehensibly, many nurses and obstetricians have taken selfies eating the foods.^[6]

In both sexes, gluten can pose as excrement, killing the subject through extreme bathroom terror. Quite literally, gluten scares people to death with their own bowel movements. In a typical scenario, a person experiences an unusually large, rumbling discharge which forces them to examine the contents of the toilet after defecation. The stool, which is typically moving, grunting, or glowing, immediately pushes most to their wits' end and they usually die by heart attack or stroke. In the case they do not, gluten projects the voice of a small child crying for help into the toilet bowl. When the person nears to investigate, the living stool blocks the drain pipe, flushes the commode, and drowns the victim by sucking their head under the dirty water.

Gluten does not always execute its victims so discreetly. At popular tourist destinations and fun parks, it replaces the envelope in hot air balloons and waits until its victims are high enough up––typically over very rocky terrain or active volcanoes––before it melts the airship. Gluten is also the sole suspect in the investigation of a recent fatal accident involving 28 members of gluten-free factions of Greenpeace who announced their slowly dissolving rafts were made of the substance in their last radio transmission before disappearing into the Sea of Japan.^[7]

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1. ^ Noonan, Daniel; Smails, Judge E.; et al. (2 January 2019). "Gluten Puts the "H" Back in Hormones". St. Copius Journal of Biology. 208 (6): 442–448. doi:99.5955-1/sle.vg.2019.01.021. PMID 616134744
2. ^ "Undergraduate Boner Threatens Exams". Scholastic Weekly. Retrieved 26 May 2019.
3. ^ "Educators Canned For Cleavage". teacher-watch.p61.fam. Retrieved 10 April 2019.
4. ^ "Park Visitors Ride Penis". The Odd Side. Retrieved 12 June 2019.
5. ^ "Gluten Sends Family To Wimbledon". Rug's Brand News. Retrieved 1 July 2019.
6. ^ "Obstetrician Delivers Pussy Sandwich, Then Eats It". The Hell You Say. Retrieved 27 March 2019.
7. ^ "Greenpeace Saboteurs Drown En Route To Gluten Platform". tokyo.416-whalingalert.jp. Retrieved 22 June 2019.